by Ruth Schiffmann

Okay, you’re reading the article, that’s a good start. Maybe you’re looking for the perfect prom date. Maybe you want to be the perfect prom date. Maybe the title sounded stupid and you just had to check it out. Whatever the case, we can work with it, as long as you have three things to guide you in your search: Christian values, good taste, and fear of creating traumatic and lasting memories of a nightmarish prom experience. With these basic but ever-important credentials in check, you’re ready to take a look at the following guidelines. Let these examples spur you to consider basic information about your latest crush as a sneak preview of what is to come.

Sneak Peek #1: Your prospective date failed driver’s ed three times, blew the limo budget on a pair of swanky new shoes, and hinted that his brother’s mountain bike just had a new paint job. You may want to reconsider wearing that dress that cost you six months’ worth of allowance; it will most likely get tangled in the spokes before you ever reach the prom.

Sneak Peek #2: Your guy asks his best friend to ask your best friend to find out if you’ll go to the prom with him. This is a sure sign that conversation may be a little weak.

Sneak Peek #3: He eats, sleeps, and breathes reality television. From Survivor to The Apprentice, his sanity hinges on who’s going to be eliminated next. Eliminate him; he’s out of touch with reality.

Sneak Peek #4: He pops the question two nights before the big date. This is a dead giveaway that you were second, third, or maybe even 23rd choice.

Sneak Peek #5: While he’s walking you home from school he leaves a trail of cigarette butts that any nicotine addict could follow for a mile. Maybe it’s just nerves. But if he isn’t concerned with the fact that he’s risking his own health, he’s not going to be concerned that he’s risking yours.

Sneak Peek #6: He wears green and brown plaid with sailor-blue corduroys and gold vinyl sneakers- on picture day! This makes a strong case for colorblindness. You could test him by asking him to pass the orange Jell-O in the lunch line. If nothing else, let it tell you that you should order his tux!

Sneak Peek #7: This guy in trig class asks you to the prom but you’re just not interested. You let him down easy but he just won’t back off. First he has his friends try to convince you to change your mind. Now you’re finding notes he’s slipped into your locker, asking you to give him a chance. You consider reconsidering just to get him off your back, but if he won’t take no for an answer before there is a relationship, imagine how bad he’ll be when there is a relationship.

Sneak Peek #8: He skips school on the day of the Pep Rally to attend the Local Senior Citizen Bowl-A-Thon – just for fun. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Sneak Peek #9: He blows off working on his team science project week after week so that he can spend more time with you – flattering, maybe. But then you hear him conning his teammates into putting his name on the report anyway. Let’s face it, you’ve had a clear look at dishonesty here and it’s not pretty. If he’s dishonest with others, it’s only a matter of time before he’s dishonest with you too.

Sneak Peek #10: He is completely obsessed with the latest fashion. He spends all his money on clothes from Hollister to Abercrombie. Sure he looks good, but if he’s trying that hard to conform to the world’s value system, in what other ways will he be conforming?

Sneak Peek #11: When you talk to him about youth group, Bible study or church he’s totally uninterested, or worse yet, out and out hostile about these subjects being points of interest to you. You can give up these things to hold onto this oh-so-sensitive guy, or you can cut your losses quickly and keep yourself from being dragged down.

Okay, so the next time you gain a sneak peek into the life of your dream guy grab yourself a tub of popcorn (heavy on the butter), a quarter pound or so of those little sour gummy things, and a bucket of cola. Then kick back and ask yourself “Is this a relationship I want to see played out on the big screen of my life?”