Written by Kristin Larmore, Web Editor
Meet Debra Beck, Phoenix native and author of My Feet Aren’t Ugly, a book/journal for teen girls on how to take responsibility for your actions, love the person you are and fully understand personal motivations and reactions.
Her passion is to help teens and parents understand each other and communicate well. She conducts Girls Circles in her town with girls just like you to help them get to the root of their insecurities.
The Girls Circles were with a younger and older group who got together weekly; the biggest issue Debra said she noticed was kids weren’t happy with how their parents were treating them. Though the Spirited Youth program she created in 2005 isn’t as active right now, Debra is holding occasional workshops, one recently about intentions.
Though Debra used to just work with teens, she has branced out to adults now, too. She started realizing if she’s not mentoring parents and changing their behavior, too, she’s “in no-man’s land.” Stressing an open, equal relationship, she believes both parents and teens need to hold themselves accountable for life’s frustrations. She’s here to remind kids that parents are not the enemy, but sometimes they make mistakes, too! She knows how to take control emotionally, and she’s here to help!
Her book has won the Nautilus Silver Book Award, the Moonbeam Award and the USA Book Award in the young adult non-fiction category; buy this funny, heartfelt book here today!
It could be an early Christmas gift for your best girlfriend. Or…parents: it could could be just the right gift for under the tree!
Read what Debra has to say about her rough childhood, the format of the book and the importance of communicating well with all those around you.
She can relate, girls.
RelateMag: Was there a specific experience that you can talk about that has allowed you to talk to teens about their experiences?
Deb: I think that my teenage years were really tough because my parents never talked to me about anything. I never had anyone to go to about a problem. They were in their own little world dealing with surviving their life. And so because of that, I felt I was all alone. Yes, friends are great, but they don’t really offer the support that a parent can offer. A lot of times, at that age, they’re your friend one week and the next they’re somebody else’s best friend. And so there’s not a lot of safety in friendships these days; maybe there never was. For me, [it was] the fact that I didn’t have parents that I could go to; I could be out till 4 o’clock in the morning and they wouldn’t even know. And I didn’t have anyone to talk to me about birth control, about drinking. And I had an older sister that said, “Don’t even bother me.” I felt disconnected from the world and myself because I didn’t have a parent I could go to, which was very traumatic for me.
RelateMag: Where did this metaphor of the “ugly feet” originate?
Deb: When I was 13, I was living in Phoenix and I was talking to this guy I really had a crush on. I thought he was everything, the “bomb.” We were barefoot, it was probably 110 degrees, and he kept looking at my feet and looking at me and looking at my feet [again.] I kept thinking, “What’s on my feet?!” And he finally said, “You have the ugliest feet I have ever seen.” It was pretty devastating to me. I tried really hard to act like it didn’t bother me. I thought, “They’re a little wide, but I never thought my feet were ugly.” For the next year, I proceeded to wear closed-toed shoes everywhere. I was not going to show anybody my feet. And we were at the river and the subject of feet came up a year later. I slipped a towel over my feet so no one would see. And a friend of mine, Michael, said, “Deb has really cute feet.” And I just sat there and thought, ‘How can one person think I have cute feet and the other think I have hideous feet?’ It dawned on me at a young age that really bothered me. When he said that I thought, “Oh, thank goodness I can start wearing open-toed shoes.” But the reality is we can’t base how we feel on what people think of us. It will make us crazy. The way we dress is not going to appeal to everybody. It doesn’t just happen in our life as a teen. I was just at a dinner party with girlfriends and two of them were talking to me about how I should change my hair. They went on for a while. And I finally looked at them and said, “You know what, I like my hair. And it’s ok with me that you don’t like my hair.” In adult life, we have to deal with judgements all the time. And if we’re not solid loving ourselves and having a good sense of self, it can throw us off. And it’s a journey. I don’t think I’m there. I don’t think, “I am so self secure.” I think the one reason I relate well to teens so much is because I get it. I’m affected by it in my own life, but what I don’t do is go out and get my haircut because that’s what they thought [I should do.]
RelateMag: How is this book set up? Are there chapters?
Deb: The book is chapters on different things that we have to deal with in our life, like having integrity, learning how to respect ourselves, learning how not to blame. Are we taking ownership for our lives? It gives a lot of experiences that I have had that teens I’ve talked to have had and my girls and their friends. Then, I do journaling and ask, “Has this ever happened to you? What did you experience?” And then they get to integrate it into them. Sometimes, we can see it in somebody else and think we don’t do that, but then once you write and journal, you realize [some things.] There’s journaling pages in the book. It allows you to take an experience and journal about how your own actions may have caused something in your life.
RelateMag: I think you had a talk on the radio about cell phone use and technology for teens. How does that affect teens’ communication skills and that disconnection with the world?
Deb: I think the technology can be really detrimental. I know for a fact when I email someone, I can’t hear how they’re saying something, so I don’t know how to take it. I find there’s a lot of miscommunication in texting and emailing. And there’s something to be said about being face-to-face with someone. Kids say things in texts they would never say face-t0-face because if they could see the hurt in someone’s eyes, they would have to be held accountable for their actions. So I think unfortunately when you’re texting and say something mean, it’s easier to get away with it. I think the computer is great for research or to send a quick email to someone, but there’s a [change in] the way teens and adults are communicating . They’re not meeting face-to-face. It takes away that personal, heart-to-heart. It’s disconnected connecting. It scares me to think that is going to be their only way of communicating. It takes away their social skills completely.
RelateMag: What is this concept of cyber bullying?
Deb: That’s a perfect example, these kids, in [not] seeing the hurt in someone. They put things over the Internet that are very hurtful because they don’t feel what a big deal it is. I think that’s really important to talk to your kids about it. Tell your kids, “I know you’re going to be texting, but we need to talk about some of the dangers and what’s involved.” I always flip the table on them. What if something like this happened to you? How would that make you feel? You need to be accountable for the words you use, on an email, text, Facebook, MySpace, whatever. The words we say have an affect. It doesn’t matter if they’re written or spoken. Do the research. And then you can say, “Wow this girl was being cyber-bullied. And- oh my gosh- she took her life.” And then not just leave it at that. Say, “Wow, can you imagine how her family felt? Her mother and her sister and think about how tormented she must have been.” It’s important to teach your kids how to treat people. If you think they’re just going to look at you, and if you are a good example, know that, that’s not the case. They’re learning from other people besides you. You’re not their only role model. Are we lying to our friends? Are we bad talking people in the home? They learn from that. Hold yourself accountable. Talk to your kids about that. Have your kids hold you accountable. Also, they [parents] pretend to be perfect. They’re “perfect” and their kids are the only ones making the mistakes. That teaches kids how not to trust their own intuition.
Does this make you look inside yourself a bit, whether you’re a teen or an adult, and realize you could change your outlook or method on life a bit?
Stay tuned for more of Debra’s interview in the weeks to come! And parents: Debra will have some advice just for you!
(Photos by myfeetarentugly.com)
Tags: debra beck, journal, More Than a Pretty Face, my feet aren't ugly, spirited youth
