Over Parenting Verses Guidance

By: Debra Beck

Are you as a parent, over-parenting or “helicopter parenting”? I believe that if parents are always there to pick up the pieces or make all the decisions in the kid’s life, they rob them of most of their growth experiences.

How do we learn and grow? We learn and grow from doing, from having to figure things out, not without guidance I might add. If, as parents, we are guiding our children instead of making all of their decisions or running to fix everything, there is a better chance of learning that is present. Think about it, if we, as parents, are always making the decisions for our kids without their input about what they think is the right way, they will always need are input. As parents we want to help them develop the skills they need to become independent, happy adults. Isn’t this our job?

The only way to get good at something is to practice, practice, and practice. Instead of making the decisions for them or automatically fixing what they have messed up, we ask for their input. Ask them how they would fix this or handle that, and ask them why. The idea is to get them to explore why one way or another would work better. During this exploration, keep your opinions to yourself and just keep asking questions. This allows them the opportunity to explore their feelings and thoughts around the issue. It helps them develop the skills of making good decisions.

If we are constantly making these decisions for them how will they ever learn? Off to college they go, and you are nowhere to be found and they have the decision-making skills of a 4 year old, you can only guess what the outcome will be, it’s not pretty.

The problem is two fold; you have been holding them so tight for so long that they break out and do things they might not necessarily do if they had been given more freedom and developed better tools to make good decisions. Then there’s the fact that they simple don’t have any tools because you never taught them, you thought it was better to make the decisions for them.

When we allow our kids to participate in the decision making process we help them learn how to make decisions, it’s really simply. If we make the decisions for them, they don’t learn. Maybe in the beginning of this process they will think certain decisions are good and you will think they are crazy, that’s when we keep asking questions. The more questions asked the better chance they will have of figuring things out.

I also encourage you, as parents, to explore in yourself why you have these fears surrounding your kids making bad decisions. Yes, I know, they might make a mistake, a really bad mistake. This is why talking to them and guiding them is so important. The mistake can either be made under your guidance or, as an adult, without you around. This is where our journey comes in, as parents we are on our own journeys that our kid’s actions are helping us figure out our life. Really look at your fears that contribute to your controlling behavior.

Yes, the fear is real that they will do something really stupid that will affect their lives, but we can’t let our fears about something that might happen rule their life and our lives. The more we participate in guiding them, the better they will get at making good decisions and the less you will need to monitor their ever move. So, be open to looking at your behavior around your fears and start letting go, so you can guide your kids and have them be able to receive your guidance easier. When our opinions are force fed to our kids they will resist them, when they feel they are a part of the process, it feels like it is their decision. See how that could make a difference?

So, enjoy guiding your kids to become independent happy kids.

Bio

Debra Beck, Author of My Feet Aren’t Ugly, A Girl’s Guide to Loving Herself from the Inside Out, is a devoted mentor for teenage girls and parents on issues facing teenagers and parents today.

With 20 plus years experience in self-development, and first-hand awareness of how difficult the teenage years can be, empathy, and a passion for making a difference, Debra discovered her life’s work: helping young girls learn to truly love themselves from the inside out. She is also a parent of two daughters and understands the worries of parenting, so she is also devoted to guiding parents through these turbulent years to give them the tools they need to create a harmonious family unit.

She has created and facilitated her own workshops, girls groups and individual mentoring through Spirited Youth, an organization she founded to help girls in a positive and supportive way. Because she has experienced both being a tormented teen and a worried parent, she mentors through her heart with compassion.

She currently resides in Sedona, Arizona.

More information on her work can be found at www.myfeetarentugly.com.

Tags: debra beck, decisions, grow, guidance, helicopter parenting, learn, my feet aren't ugly, over parenting