Are You Listening?

By Shannon Hembree

Mother Daughter

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You’re screaming, you’re crying, you’re writing in your diary about how your mom will never understand you. A song like “Jar of Hearts” is playing while you’re in the car with your mom. You look at her and wonder if she gets it – if she understands that listening to that song is like having your life laid bare in the lyrics. She doesn’t even notice. She just keeps going on and on about your latest math test. She used to understand you – talk to you – listen to you. What happened?

The relationship between mothers and daughters is always complex, oftentimes turbulent, and sometimes downright explosive. When girls are young, they want to tell their moms everything – from their favorite color to who their best friend is.

Somewhere along the line that changes. Part of it is that girls grow up and start learning how to be more independent. For many girls, it is also about thinking that their mom won’t understand them, might judge them, or be disappointed in them. From a mom’s point of view, it could be sheer terror, because moms have been teenage girls before and know how hard it can be. They also know the many awful mistakes you can make, because while they might not admit it, they no doubt made a lot of them. Whatever the reason, the chasm between moms and daughters can seem to stretch on forever.

There was a story in the news recently that highlighted this communication gap. This story talked about how some moms think the Twilight series is a bad influence on their daughters and that Bella is a bad role model. Teenage girls, of course, had a lot to say about that.

So how do moms and daughters find a middle ground – on Twilight or anything else? Disagreements or misunderstandings can often be sorted out when both moms and daughters are given a chance to explain their position and when they also listen – really listen – to what the other has to say. Teens come into contact with bad role models every day (It’s hard to believe that Bella is the biggest one out there). The best moms can hope for is not that teens are shielded from all of them – that would be impossible – but that teens are well grounded enough to make the right decisions in spite of them.

That’s a mom’s job – to teach their kids right from wrong, fact from fiction, and how to deal with real-life bad role models and situations. Then they have to trust that they did it right and let go. It’s a daughter’s job to learn from what their mom tells them and to take the time to talk to their mom rather than keeping her in the dark about everything. When you keep moms in the dark, all it does is make them more paranoid, which doesn’t do anyone any good!

So the next time your mom gets mad at you for something, gets suspicious about something, or disagrees with one of your choices, stop for a second and take a deep breath. Ask your mom if she will just hear you out – really hear you out – and then make your case. Then listen to your mom’s side – yes, really listen. The two of you won’t walk away totally agreeing on everything, but you just might learn a little about each other and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. It’s certainly better than trying to navigate the perils of your teenage years without her.

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