Punished for Purpose

Mary - Date: 27 Apr 2012

Punished for Purpose: Her Way of Helping Teens

by Lauri Burns

To date, I have raised as a foster Mom 30 teens (who came to me at points of despair in their lives) and I have learned most of my ‘skills’ from hands-on experience and from my own worst nightmares.

Background information:
Growing up in Long Island, New York in an upper class Jewish family, who would have ever guessed my life was a horrific behind the scenes.  It would appear that I  had everything a kid could want: home, food, family and friends. My mom told me I was around 3 when the beatings began.  Whenever my dad was in ‘a mood’ he would come looking for me.  I was like the punching bag that most guys keep in the garage.  As a child, I believed I was a witch in a past life and that the beatings were payment for my sins. I failed to bond to people.  The abuse, coupled with the fact that no one was protecting me, solidified my belief that people could not be trusted.  I was 13 when my mom left us in search of a new life.  That was when my father’s violence escalated.  One day he began to beat me failing to notice that I had a friend in the house.  Then everything changed.

Afraid that he would get in trouble, he hid a handgun and told the police I threatened to kill him with it.  I was committed to a mental institution for the criminally insane.  I tried to kill myself several times.  In order to protect me from myself, they tied me to a bed in a straight jacket in a solitary room and kept me drugged.  By the time I was released, the damage was done. On a suicide mission, I spiraled.  I was made a ward of the court and sent from home to home.   Unable to rebound from my circumstances, I started shooting intravenous drugs at the age of 16.  The drugs helped to push the memories away.

I gave birth to my daughter when I was 19, but even my love for her couldn’t save me.  On January 5, 1987 after being arrested for prostitution several times, I was taken into the woods by two gunmen with the intention of beating and killing me.  Not being able to endure one more beating, I begged them to shoot me.  That night my life was saved by a stranger and within 24 hours I was in a safe shelter.   I believe that man was an angel.

In that safe shelter, for the first time in my life I began talking about my childhood.  I learned that I had protected my father at the price of killing myself.   Slowly but surely I began to see that I had value and that ‘maybe’ my dad was wrong.

Two years later, at the age of 26 I took in my first abused teenager.  I knew at that time this was my calling.  It was around that time that a man who really believed in me asked me this question “Lauri, Do you know the difference between you and Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Martin Luther King Jr?”   I was intrigued.  He said, they didn’t just think about doing things, they did them.  That’s it.

He also said “If you put fleas in a jar and close the cover, they will hit their heads on the lid. After a few hits they will jump short. When you release them from the jar, they will continue to jump “short.” No matter how long they’re out of the jar, they will never return to their full potential for fear of hitting their heads. Lauri, you are living your life like you are still in the jar.”

That was when I lifted the lid off my life and starting believing everything was obtainable.  I let go of all preconceived limitations. My daughter that I had when I was 19 is my best friend.   Having so many sisters over the years, when she graduated high school – she knew she wanted to help other kids that were abused.  She graduated from Columbia School of Social Work in 2009 with dual master’s degrees in Social Work and Special Education.   She now works as a teacher in a school for developmentally disabled kids.
To see the way the foster kids come to me – in many cases, broken and withdrawn and then to experience the changes as they start to come alive again is life changing for me.  I included two stories – from my kids.

STORY ABOUT A LIFE CHANGED.
I interviewed a 15 year old girl at the children’s home.  She was dressed in a black sweatshirt and she had the hood over her head so I couldn’t see her face.  She had been cutting on her arms and was severely depressed.  When I interviewed her, she said she wasn’t interested in living with a family or coming home with me.  Six months later, they called me again – they said they have not been able to place her and asked if I would just give it a try.   I was a bit reluctant due to her lack of interest in any sort of change, but I told them I would give it a try, but I really didn’t think she was ready.  When I picked her up, she was still the same, same sweatshirt!   She literally wore that dirty black sweatshirt over her clothes every day.  I had four other teen girls in my home at that time.

I have learned a lot both from my past and the experiences with other abused kids I have.  As a mom I am always dishing out positive statements to the girls because I know they so desperately need it to build their self esteem.   Especially when delivering bad news or consequences, my daughter Summer calls it “A pat and a kick”…. Bad news is always better delivered in a shiny wrapper.

So, if one of the kids doesn’t do their chore I might say, “Hey, I see you left your dish in the sink.   I’ll tell you what, if you leave it again – you are going to stay in and do extra chores on Sunday.”  Before they can respond I might say something like – that tea you chose at the store is wonderful!  You have such great taste!   It is a bit confusing for kids who are used to being yelled at or beaten to get bad news with a compliment.  You will actually see them freeze the first few times, not knowing how to respond.    It is confusing that they broke a rule and you are not mad at them.   When the rule=consequence and I still love you and I am not mad at you – it takes the fear and transference of anger out.

If they continue to tell me why so and so did it and not them.  I will continue then you will be both be grounded unfortunately… by the way – your hair looks really good this color. Did Suzie help you?   Each time they try to slip the responsibility – I reapply the consequence with a sugar coating.   I take my kids out to dinner a lot.   It is a good time to get away and talk.  We talk about life, school and family.  I teach them about the cycle of abuse and that their parents are not bad people just sick.  I also talk a lot about what Gandhi says… Being the change in the world.  In my book I talk about going from an abused child to the “change in my family” by being a stand for love, truth and forgiveness.   I have contracts for almost everything with rules – consequences and rewards.

I am sure we have all seen the parenting style where we tell our kids what they are GOING to do because WE ARE THE PARENT!   And we all know it works as well as a sinking ship. Teens, whether abused or not – are all tuned into the same channel WIIFM – What is in it for me.  My contracts all include rewards.  And as a parent if I commit to something I follow through.  I also sign the contract myself and let them know – I will be MY WORD and will honor any commitment I make to you.

When this little girl entered my home she was very shy.  She spent a lot of time in her room.  I tend not to push people out of their comfort zone.   Respect is important for all ages, especially teens.  If you respect them, they will respect you.    I could get her to come out if we were leaving the house to eat, go the gym or shop.  So, I used those opportunities.
Kids will test you, especially abused kids.   It was a few months after she moved in with us that she came out of the bathroom with pink hair.  I knew she expected a rise out of me.  I tend to “under react”.    Truth be told, for all I’ve been through – there is not much they can do to get a jolt out of me.  I smiled and said, “You know… that looks really cool!  It actually brings out the color in your cheeks… I love it!”   She said, “Really…?” and tilted her head to see if I was kidding.  I affirmed, I really think that is one of the coolest colors I have ever seen and it work on you!   She smiled shyly and put her head down.

The girls and I will never forget the day she walked out of her bedroom with a pink shirt on.   We were all too nervous to bring attention to it for fear that she would return to her room and grab her black sweatshirt again, but let me just say – everyone noticed!   There was a hum of excitement in the air.

Over time, she came out of her shell.  She was 16 when she told me that she dreamt of being a Fashion Designer.  She said she got her first sewing machine when she was 12 and she showed me an old newspaper clipping of a woman who went to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising).  She had been carrying it around all these years!

Last week at a Teen Project event, she spoke to 150 people from the podium.  She said, “I moved in with Lauri when I was 15.   I never got to know my real mom.”  I was standing up there next to her and I could feel the pressure in my throat and my eyes started to water.  It kills me the sadness that these kids endure….  “When I told Lauri about my dream to go to FIDM, I didn’t think she would go for it.  It’s a private school.  I thought she would make me go to community college.”  Then she looked down shyly and smiled I just graduated from FIDM and I work in Los Angeles as an Assistant Fashion Designer.  I am living a dream life.   I just moved in with my best friend and I have the best life ever.    Then she looked and me and looked away really quick when she saw the tears in my eyes.   She said, “Lauri is my mom.  I never would have made it without her and I love her”  That is when we both broke, makeup dripping and all….

She is an amazing incredible bright light!  You would never recognize her if you knew her before.  She is completely transformed.

ANOTHER STORY FROM MY BOOK – PUNISHED FOR PURPOSE
REWARD:  HEALING HEARTS TOGETHER
It was 2am in the morning.  I heard a noise in the hall bathroom.  At the time, I had five teen girls living with me.  Unaware of what is happening, I avoided turning on the light.  As I reached the bathroom, Rita came into view.  Her body was drenched with sweat; her hair was pressed against her face. She was screaming and banging her head against the wall with an intensity that it hurt me to witness, I rushed to her. When she saw me she screamed out, “WHY?!!!!  Why did my mother leave me? Those men hurt me!  I can’ sleep!  They’re here again!  She slammed her head against the wall over and over again. All of a sudden I am twelve again. I am in the bathroom; my dad is at the door. I remember the pain of my head hitting the tile floor over and over again…. Bang! Bang! Bang!  I am shaking. Having processed no thought of what to do next, I am catapulted back into the bathroom with Rita. And I have an innate awareness of what to do next…

Do not turn on the light, scary…no light…talk quietly…no big noises……Do not touch…Touch is scary…I quietly whisper into the darkness. “I am here with you sweetie…it is okay now…the bad man is gone… We are on the other side now…no more hurt honey…no more bad people here…Please don’t hurt Rita anymore…” The creaking of a door behind me interrupted the intensity of the moment. My eyes now adjusted, I turned my head. I see Mary quietly tiptoeing from her room. Her large eyes tell me she is scared.  I put my finger over my lips as if to say, shhhh. Now Yvette is coming. Quietly they collapse to the floor, falling into the darkness by Rita. The only sound is Rita’s heavy rhythmic, breathing. She is rocking back and forth slowly with her arms wrapped tightly around her legs and her head tucked between her knees. The girls gently put their hands on Rita and they too begin to cry. They are hugging each other. Rita lets out a soft cry and hugs them in return.

Although the small room still remained dark that night, the light in the room was undeniably brilliant as we walked together out of the darkness. Wiping the tears from Rita’s face, we all stood up together and walked downstairs.  Although I don’t normally encourage smoking, this is one night I would let the mountains be mountains and the little things lie. As they sat in the garage, passing the cigarette around with their wet faces, I closed my eyes and thanked God.

Thank you God for letting me be twelve again, thank you God for my father. Thank you for my little bathroom so long ago, for it is in the pain of my childhood that I have been blessed with the power to take the hand of a child who is in the darkness; and lead them out. Thank you for having me go before them and showing me the way out…
I realize now I was never being punished for sins in a past life, but rather prepared for the work I would do in this life.  I have the most amazing life imaginable!  I wouldn’t trade it with anyone.  It is the memories from the darkest times of my life that I must draw from to help the children that enter my door.

I write a lot about the methodology for growing a community that cares in my book.    I always imagined there was a reason that I was in technology and a foster mom, although they seemed so far removed from each other.   In the end of my book I wrote, I believe that someday my two lives will merge and I will use technology to reach kids regardless of location.  At the time, I had no idea how.  About two years ago we created a national online shelter database and replicated it through Myspace and Facebook, but I knew there was more.
Last March a brilliant developer that works for me at Northrop Grumman and one of his friends decided they were going to help me.  The proposed a text service where a homeless youth could text SHELTER and their ZIP to 99000 and they could use an algorithm to return the closest shelter with 40 seconds.  They said they could do it for under 10k.  I was thinking GREAT!  But where do we get the money?   The very next day, a letter came in from the Harry Joe Brown Foundation… It said, Sorry we forgot you last year.  We are sending 10k for last year and 10k for this coming year; use it where you need it most.  Every since I founded The Teen Project in 2007 this is how things happen!

I have spoken at over 200 venues in the past five years to tell my story and the stories of my children.   People have always said to me, “You should write a book!”   At the time I thought, when would I ever find the time… ?

Then one day it hit me… In my one hour speech, I inspired people with “our story” but I was barely scraping the iceberg about HOW it happened.   If I could tell the exact details of how I transformed and went on to transform my kids… then I could reach abused kids and parents struggling with their own teens all over the world!  I started writing.. two years later, I held the book in my hand – Punished for Purpose from out of the darkness came a powerful healing light.    And of course… 75% of the proceeds go to the kids.

Lauri Burns is a corporate executive at a Fortune 100 company, an inspirational speaker, a mother to over thirty troubled foster children (drugs, prostitution, cutters, eating disorders and behavioral disorders) and the founder of The Teen Project, for homeless youth, which she established in response to her overwhelming feeling that no matter how many teens she fostered, it was never enough. She is a part of Oprah’s Angel Network and has been approached by multiple networks for a feature, movie rights and pilot show.  It is her dream that no teen should ever be without a safe home or a family