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Playing the Middle Man
Date: 14 Mar 2010
Written by Devin Miller, Relate Contributing Writer
Your favorite couple is going through a tough time, and both sides are seeking your advice. All of a sudden your cell phone beeps non-stop with text messages explaining what happened; both stories a little different, of course.
When you are close friends with the guy and the girl in a broken relationship, many times you inevitably end up as the man in the middle. While it’s nice knowing that both sides are asking for your help, being the middle man can cause unfixable damage with one wrong move.
Learn how to be there for both of your friends without burning any bridges, or in this case, friendships.
1) Just listen. “Be an open ear, not a decision maker.” While it may seem that you are deeply involved in the situation, it is not up to you to make any decisions. When your friend asks for your thoughts on the situation, don’t talk badly about the other person because they WILL find out. Even though you may feel weird not joining in on your friend’s rant, don’t worry- he or she is relieved just to get the chance to vent.
2) Lay down the laws. Before talking to either of your friends, be sure to set your boundaries. Holly Savoy, a licensed psychologist, suggests letting one party know about the other’s effort to contact him or her while refraining from giving any details. You don’t want one of your friends telling the other, “Well, (your name) told me you said…”
3) Stay Neutral. “It is natural to feel a sense of loyalty to someone you have known longer, or have felt closer to, but staying neutral can be the best way to maintain a friendship,” Savoy said in a CNN article. Taking sides may lead to regret in the future. Young couples often disagree, break-up, work things out and get back together. If your friends start dating again, one half of the relationship may not want your friendship any longer. Let your friends know that you are there for both of them, and only want the best for their relationship.
4) Opt out. Never feel obligated to get involved in the situation. If you want to avoid being caught in a sticky situation, suggest that they confide in someone else. The truth is, the problem is the couple’s responsibility, and in the long run it will be up to them to work things out.
It is easy to get caught up in the gossip and drama, but both of those can easily destroy a friendship. While you will want to be there for both of your friends, your best bet will be staying neutral and unbiased.
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